‘The Miracle’ in Pigeon Forge

And it came to pass that they went unto the town called Pigeon Forge, therein to look upon the wonders along the street called Parkway. They came looking for a wondrous woman named Louise Mandrell, but they found that she had departed the city, leaving only her website, which hath the gift of everlasting life. In her old theater, however, a wondrous new show offered an aerial battle of angels, Lucifer live and on stage, Adam & Eve & the apple, and an on-stage crucifixion and resurrection. All this was billed as The Miracle, and it was revealed to them that they could witness all these things for $33.40 a head.

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Lo and behold, they set foot on the property, whereupon they learned that Noah’s Ark would be revealed to them for an additional $9.95 plus tax for the first person, and $5.95 plus tax for additional pilgrims. After buying a ticket and rendering unto Caesar what was Caesar’s, they got to ride on a camel.

Verily, verily, they continued into the theater, whereupon additional moneychangers told them of the wonders to be seen on the backstage tour, a look into the Holy of Holies of the theater. This cost $5, and would take 15 minutes. The first miracle–the disappearance of the dollars–was made manifest among them, for it was written that a family of four with children over 11 shall give up $181.40 in all. They took their seats in the hall and then it was showtime.

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First up was the aerial battle of the angels, which to the older ones among them recalled the Flying Monkeys scene from the Gospel According to Baum. Lucifer, a man of wealth and taste and looking a tad like Billy Idol, bestrode the stage through much of the show, and much was the fear among the multitude. They were soon reassured, however, as the Biblical saga rolled through to the Resurrection, a veritable showstopper if there ever were one.

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Afterwards, the scribes and the Pharisees did examine the “The Miracle” to tell unto themselves if it were Biblically accurate, and with a loud shout of “Aha!” they revealed to the people a mighty mistake–actually, two. For it is written in the Good Book that Adam and Eve were naked until they ate of the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, but in the show the father and mother of us all were apparently wiser than we thought, for each one was decked out in garments of many colors.

Having been separated from their shekels and filled with the glory of “The Miracle,” the people cleared the theater and walked among the heathen in Pigeon Forge, and much was their rejoicing.

Thus endeth the lesson.

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One Response to ‘The Miracle’ in Pigeon Forge

  1. Well, it’s a good thing that news of The Miracle has made it west of the Rockies, otherwise, we’d all be left out and lonesome.

    I spent most of my time in the sub-category of your blog about shuffling off the Mortal Coil and saw that your priorities are pitch perfect: David Halberstam, Kurt Vonnegut and Johnny Apple. I’m sure there are more since people have this tendency toward dying.

    And, since you’re interested in names, you should look up the latest research that says that if you don’t look like your name, people won’t remember who the heck you are: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18805010/ Try telling that to Jehovah and Fate.

    It was a pleasure to meet you and to learn that you believe that Gatlinburg is a mullet disguised as a town. Truer words were never spoken.

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